March 14, 2013
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Thoughts on What Matters
I have a sweet friend named Betty Lou who has cancer,
she is one of the kindest people I know, she lives a life of service to others.
she has older children and lots of little grand children.
I was thinking one day how much she matters to everyone
as I was praying for her.In my mind I have always thought it should be me instead of mothers
with families that need them.
And although there are times when I truly would take on the burden
and spare someone else the suffering if life worked that way,
I wonder how healthy my thinking is.If I am thinking to spare someone suffering because I love them ,
that is understandable, I can't take on their sickness but I can pray and
do things help, like do laundry for the family or clean or cook,
or drive someone somewhere or do grocery shopping, pay a bill etc
and I do these things as I can.But here is where I challenge my thinking...
I have thought my life did not matter to anyone as much
because I am not a mother.
A mother is the most important person in our lives for so long
it is so a heartbreaking to see a young mother sick
or to lose your mom no matter how old you are.I think catching that thought as I was praying showed me that
I still struggle with being validated as a woman/person
because I do not have children.
I know there are people who love me and would miss me
but in my head I think that I do not matter as much because I am not a mom.
Somehow that is twisted and I am not sure how or why I think like that.
A life is a life, a homeless person with no children matters as much as anyone,
why do I not think my life matters,
I wonder what experiences I have had that formed that thought.
I know there was a woman who asked for advice about her kids in church once
and when I offered an opinion she said,
" I want an answer from a parent, you do not have experience"
I said "Well, I am not a parent but I was a child so I do have that experience".
I do not know if it was the times like that or what it is.I am not bitter about not having kids, I have shared in the lives of many
and done more for them than I could have had I had kids.
I have always believed in working with what is given to me
and I was given nieces and nephews in abundance.I want to be willing to sacrifice anything I have for someone I love
or even someone I do not know who is in need
but I want to do it for the right reasons.
Thoughts?
Comments (24)
no disappearing please. altruistically or otherwise. next, pardon me the religiousy statement here but it's simpler to say it so 0 god created daisies too and marigolds not just roses. there isn't any doubt our gifts and capacities vary to which some may argue inate value differences there is always someone more valueable to a collective goal versus another. but take a churchill line about public funding like for public tv/arts etc. if we cut such a thing why are we fighting a war to lose it before it's waged? some things aid life in ways not so easily shown to have an instant dollar value but more of a spiritual one. thus there is a moment where even i far less on the totem pole of age acheivements and connections would say i have a voice and a value....I may doubt it sometimes too which is all too human and i surely do not have a great clue what it is... but I do have value or as mom likes to say i'm good enough, damn it. so are you. to be a lil less selfish here I'll swing this back to you. with a hellacious day prior to it and a long journey ahead simply to make my day you stopped into town. yes that was forever it seems I blinked ago but I remember it as it represents about the first time someoneone invested that much my way from a few words please and joys hoped after. thanks. you mayn't have had kids but you sure can make a lot of them younger older and whatnot happy. you may not even be all you wish to be but you also radiate by choice much of that beauty from within. would you wish to ease suffering because? of course I would hope because faith says such is something you might find bearable what another would lose theirs over that would be a loving gift doing so as a chore because their "blah blah" oh fooey. god made impatients too, baby's breath and sweet miller grass a few ants too many perhaps some mean bottom bees icky spiders... and you know what? you can get some tasty rootbeer tastes out of sweet miller, you can perhaps soon get spider silk ligament replacements to for some to live again more fully and without as much discomfort, you get colors of the rainbow pretty out of many flower, but I believe it's a pea flower that hold some of the healing that helps obliterate some cancers, a tiny mollusk make royal purple but so so many are needed for that luxury of old, there is many uses to which we later find value for but in the mean time they just are. how much poorer the world is even one voice fewer.
I, too, have had that thought at times. I think perhaps it comes from the fact that our mothers are, for so long, the most important person in our lives. We see them as role models, and expect from childhood that we will follow suit and be mothers when we grow to adulthood. I was further made (by my mother) to feel selfish because I didn't have children -- that was borne in my mother's disappointment that my marriage didn't last. I was able to overcome those feelings when I realized that I have been quite successful -- just in different areas than motherhood. I agree that though we may not have children, we were children and have experience from the receiving end of interactions. Beth -- you are a wonderful aunt to the children in your life!
You cannot see my tears. I have read this post twice and each time I sob at the ache you have expressed here. You not having given birth to a child doesn't mean that you do not have feelings or love and care and compassion. You epitomize those things when you talk about your nieces and nephews. I have known so many mothers (through my CASA work) who have abandoned their children to foster homes, while they go on and keep getting pregnant.
The fact that you thought " It should be me instead of mothers with families who need them" goes to show that your instincts are so motherly. Only a compassionate person can think like that. A mother always and should always think like that. When I was sick recently and was in the hospital, I kept thinking to myself, "better me than my children or grandchildren". You and I NEVER want our loved ones to suffer. You are a gift to humanity and I feel so proud that I know you Beth. You are a woman with a tender heart and a mother's love. You have known that love through your own mother, and that's why you can feel that love in your life. Let no one tell you that you cannot give an advice to any mother because you are not a mother. You are HUGE in my eyes, and I love you, LOTS!
You may not be a mother to your own children, but you definitely have a mother's heart. You have such a huge capacity for love, compassion, and understanding; moreso than the majority of mothers I've known. I would happily take parenting advice from you any day.
wow what a heavy topic and goes with what I struggle with. For years I have felt that being a single mother made me worth less than married mothers. I have often felt that I should never had subjected kids to my stupidity. God in his grace keeps reminding me that is just a lie. He will use our brokeness and sadness to reach out to others, just as this has reached out to me and touched my heart. Thank you for sharing your brokenness and self here so I could be touched and healed a bit more.I wonder if, in spite of knowing the dumb things I would and do act on, he face/palms, shakes his head and then corrects me just as I do with kids around. :-/
To me, mother means one who nurtures, who gives life.
Dang girl, if there is anyone on this planet who is this definition, it's my freaking Beth.
You speak life into people every time you open your mouth or look into their eyes.
The best mothers are those who take the hurt from their childhood and use it to make life better for the following generation. No breast feeding required.
Isaiah 54:1-17New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)The Eternal Covenant of Peace54 Sing, O barren one who did not bear;
burst into song and shout,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate woman will be more
than the children of her that is married, says the Lord.
2 Enlarge the site of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left,
and your descendants will possess the nations
and will settle the desolate towns.I don't think I could say it any better than this...I Love You!
Sometimes women without children offer a much needed different perspective to the women with children.......I would have loved to have had your input when my children were young.
This was an excellent post.........
Oh Beth, such transparency into your heart!
You definately have a role of ministry. You have a heart of caring and self sacrifice and have blessed many, many people!!
Though I am sure your heart aches for the traditional role of mother, you have been a mother to many! Do.not.doubt. THAT for a minute!!
Umm. You are a mom in all the important ways. Love just oozes out of you for everyone around you - and that's what moms do - love.
I love what everyone has said here in their comments! Move forward , doing what you've been doing. You are absolutely every bit as valuable as a woman who has birthed any number of children. God doesn't want you to live in a box of feeling insignificant and he can do mighty things through you that he chose not to through others. I think you kind of touched on that in your own words.
you make a difference in my life Beth. I love you!
I don't have kids (though I'd like to maybe one day) and I've encountered this sort of feeling also. Like, in some people's minds, I'm not allowed to give parenting opinions or opinions on screaming children in public places because I've never been there, I don't have the experience, I've never had to deal with it personally. And what am I leaving behind if I'm not leaving my DNA?
But you make a difference even without that. There's so many people on this planet, it's not necessary or even wise for all of us to reproduce. And we can influence and being parental figures to generations that follow even if we haven't passed on our DNA. We can make life better for those of us who around us now. Nobody deserves to have cancer or any other horrible thing happen to them, and I'm sure lots of people would miss you greatly even if you don't have children. Family is important, but it's not the only relationship that matters.
Who would have thought that a Florida man would be swallowed up by a sink hole and his home was recently inspected for insurance approval for sinkhole protection?
People can buy cancer insurance but basically no one can foresee the need for cancer insurance.
When disaster strikes, who can know if they are ready or not? Mose's wife Sarah had to go years of being barren before she finally got pregnant. She sort of gave up and let her maid have a child by her husband.
In a way all men could have no children, the Priests of Catholic persuasion are not suppose to have children and a lot of men after a certain age know that they are not supposed to have children.
However here on Xanga if we had a mother contest Seedsower would be top ranked as one of the most hospitable and mothering person around. How many doors magically opened up for your visits? And of course you probably opened your door so many times to xanga visitors, that your family thinks all the strangers coming to visit are xanga participants.
Mothers are indispensable, but they are not the only ones. You have done so much good in your life- and been so important to your nieces and nephews. I agree with @PPhiliip.
you're beautiful. absolutely beautiful, Beth. you are on the path you've been given, and you're walking it beautifully. you inspire me. hell, you inspire all of us. and, I'm so very glad you're here.
for someone who had no children, you're a wonderful, wonderful mother to your nieces and nephews.
much love.
Aristotle made an interesting point about virtue, and usefulness. It goes something like this:
We might consider a hammer to be a good thing, because it is useful for hammering in a nail. But why is hammering in a nail a good thing? Because it is useful for building a house. Which is useful for providing shelter. Which is useful for.. etc etc etc.
Somewhere, that chain has to end with something that is just good. Not good because it is useful for something else. Just good in itself. Otherwise the whole of the chain upstream is pointless.
If the only point to being alive was to create another life, what would be the point of that other life? To create the next one? In which case, what would be the point of that one? For it all to make sense, ultimately, just being you and being alive is the point of it all.
i think the fact that you didn't birth babies makes you a better mother than those of us who did. you have boundless love for children (everyone) because are fully aware that every second with a child is a gift to be unwrapped and enjoyed.
what is this craziness we have with judging worth by motherhood. and it goes so deep. we're judged for giving up our babies. judged for adopting our babies. judged for how we got pregnant. judged for how we raise them. judged for wanting 5 minutes in the bathroom alone. there are so many different paths in this life. why can't we be allowed to enjoy our path as it is without worrying that we're not the perfect woman.
i should have left this comment at the first part.
Everyone is equally valuable, regardless of your familial status. People just tend to love their mamas, so they project those feelings on other mothers sometimes. But the reality is that aunts aren't more important than cousins, or brothers than sisters, and no one is any less valuable than any other person. That includes you.
My husband had an aunt, his mom's twin sister, actually, who never had any children of her own. She found out she had cancer on May 1st, 2003. She died from that cancer on June 3rd, 2003. Her loss shook us all then, and I find myself sad all over again just thinking about her. I don't believe our grief would have been any more intense had it been Steven's own mother. We loved her for who she was, not whether she had children or not.
I don't believe that thought means you still have a need to be validated, but that it's a testament to your character.
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Just because you aren't physically a mom doesn't mean you aren't a mom to those you love. I had Elita later in life, but I was a mom to my nieces and took them places, helped them with different things over the years. If you ever doubt yourself just ask your nieces and nephews how they feel. You will be very happy with what they have to say!
i'm not sure why you say this because i see the friendship, teaching/mentoring, care, and love you bring to your nieces, nephews, family, and friends. i wish i had an aunt like you. it's true everyone needs their mom, but they also say kids who grow up and learn how to deal with different family members end up much more successful in future jobs and in life.