August 25, 2012
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Reasons and a Rant
A few years ago I stopped going to my church regularly.
I got burned out.
I never doubted my faith and I continue to commune with God through Jesus.
I know it hurt some people that I had regular fellowship with
and I know that some of them believe that I'm sinning in not going to church
or that a sin in my life causes me not to go to church.
I know some do not judge me, but really miss me.
Some do not know what to say to me.
A few have called to ask if there is anything they can do for me ,
some sent cards.
Elmer ,my good friend who will be 94, put his arm around me and said
"Whatever it is, God understands"
That meant the world to me.I go to church sometimes and still do some of the things I did ,
like put together the Christmas Eve Tea and do things for people as needed.
My husband is an Elder in the church and faithful in attending,
his family started our little country church.I am very blunt and will say what needs saying
and I have done that more than a few times at church,
offending sensitive people in speaking plain truth.
I always appreciated the plain truth spoken to me
but I have learned very few people like it or can accept it
or will speak it to me.
Do not ask me how a dress looks if you do not want to know if
it is not the most flattering garment you own.
Do not send your kids with me if you do not want me to correct them.
If they come home all offended because I called them out on something,
ask me what I said, I will be honest and tell you even if it was not nice.
For every time I have called them out on something,
there was twenty other times I encouraged them.
If your child sits on the food counter where we are serving/selling food
I will ask them kindly to not sit on the food counter (that's gross)
the second time I will tell them to get their arse off of the food counter,
and if they keep doing it,
yes- I will remove them from the work area
and
no- they will not receive any of the money raised that that day
towards their account for the mission trip.
If your daughter lays her head on a boys lap I will ask her to not do that,
if she continues to do it I will stop the van and rearrange the seating.
Yes, she will be embarrassed and come home and cry.
But when that same girl couldn't afford a swimsuit
for the youth group swimming party
I took her shopping and bought her a swimsuit.
When the kids all needed passports for a mission trip,
I picked them up and took them to get them.
When one girl loved to read but
wasn't allowed out by herself to go to the library,
I took her to the library weekly.But for people who can't deal with correction
or having their children corrected,
they do not see the thousands of kindnesses
they do remember the time I corrected their child,
even ten years later...that's the moment they remember.I know this because I just talked to woman
who is still mad at me for correcting her child ten yrs ago.
Did she remember that when they had no money I took groceries
or when she was pregnant I came over and cleaned out her oven
and brought my sewing machine and did her mending?
Does she remember that I gave up my weekend at a retreat
and watched her kids so she could go because she needed a break?
No.
I corrected her kid and made her kid cry.
When she confronted me about it I told her the truth about her kid
and she broke down and cried too,
but all she remembers is that I made them both cry.
that is what she remembers.Still.
I got tired of that shit.
just tired.I know I need fellowship, but I am too tired to go to church.
It hurts me to feel like that.
I know it hurts my husband to go alone
my little nephew asks me every week if I am going this week,
he loves to sit with me.I am not mad or unforgiving...
I am just still tired.
Comments (67)
::hug:: Yep... I'm not in your situation but I've been in similar ones before... and man, that hurts. (Especially, to me... because we initially HOPE that "Christians" don't have such problems. But oh... we do.) I wouldn't judge you for not going... most weeks, I wish I didn't feel obligated to... too much drama. I get it!
sometimes kids need correcting. i spent an entire week with kids who believe in being served everything and don't feel it necessary to listen to instructions and then complained when what they did didn't work (because they hadn't listened to the instructions.) there were words that needed to be said. i said some of them.
Somehow people have confused the act of just showing up to church with being a good person. It's not that one hour a week that makes a person good, it's how they treat people and how they behave the rest of the week. I don't blame you for being hurt and tired. These are some of the same reasons I stopped going to church. You are a lovely person with a huge heart. If people choose not to see the awesome person you are, it's their loss. Sending you huge hugs, Beth!
As I see it, and forgive me for commenting openly, because I am not a follower of any organized religion, it seems to me that you are fine with God, it's the folks in the pews that have damaged your schedule. Just my 2 cents.
You do what needs to be done for your peace of mind. And God hears you, and can answers prayers no matter where you are....
You have done the right thing, every which way. Children need guidance- sometimes more than their parents are willing to give. When the silly goose has to watch as her goslings go down one stray path after another, thanks to her, maybe then she will remember her true friend, Beth.
I hope you can find it in your heart to worship alongside David, but God loves you regardless of where you pray to Him- or with whom.
You are a wonderful person Beth and I love you. You are awesome and amazing and I love hanging out with you
I work in a public library and at times I feel as if we're raising the community's children. But I don't feel as if that's a bad thing, really. We teach them manners and ethics, on occasion. As long as everything's right between you and the big guy, it's not the most terrible thing in the world, not attending one or two or a dozen services.
you know my story, i am sure.
i am still tired, four years later.
we attended after our situation ended, and never connected with anyone personally. people were scared of our brokenness.
we attend a home study and it is more of a church than pretty much any i've ever attended was.
perhaps it is that it is not an "organization".
i have a girl from our youth group who got pregnant after we left. her mom posted something highly inappropriate on fb, and i commented that i was tired of the inappropriateness. that's ALL i said. the girl blasted me about judging her for being pregnant, and went on and on about my judging her. i had never even acknowledged her pregnancy, and her mom had called me for help numerous times with her children's morals, while allowing the teens to run around together in their underwear at home. i was promptly unfriended. i frankly do not miss the relationship... which was apparently more of a "i have drama, look at me!" situation, rather than a "i am in over my head and need assistance!" type.
did i say that i do not miss it?
but i DO miss the idea of the IDEAL that it ought to be reaching for.
*hugs* It's understandable.
You know I understand. I didn't attend for six months after my church fallout. Now I attend a different church, a different denomination, and I just show up and leave. I don't really want to have a relationship with any of the congregation, although they seem to be lovely people. Once burned, twice shy.
Yup.. You get burned sometimes when you care... That's the problem with caring - and why I didn't for 30+ years... Sometimes I just don't know though... It was easier when I just didn't care...I might have to go back there...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9WuzQX-yIM
Sometimes it's a wonder that God can love people, isn't it? It's always the people that bother me. I used to go with my husband occasionally to his church, which often was not much more than most holidays, until I heard the terrible way people spoke about the audacity of people who only came to church on the holidays! The thing is, I know I shouldn't let it bother me - that should be between me and God - but it does.
The people in the pews are the biggest reason I gave up church, and eventually religion altogether. And if those people prefer to remember one "negative" incident over the numerous kindnesses you've shown them, then maybe it's best to keep those ties severed. A wonderful woman like you deserves to be treated better.
I think my sister said it best when she said she doesn't have anything against religion. She DOES have something against Organized Religion, however. Φ≡
I think your friend Elmer said it perfectly.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs sweet friend))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))You carry the world of God in every action you make through your kindness and actions.
Beth I just can't imagine God ever having a problem with you.
When people leave their children in yoru care, they should KNOW if their children do something that is inapproriate they need to be corrected. I mean it's all about letting those children know they are still being supervised and need to be reminded to act accordingly when on outings.
It's sad when people like you do so much for other, never asking for anything in return but to be thanked or remembered that you did something for them...
I also ask my friend if their children do something naughty or something that might hurt them I want to know if I can correct them. They say yes, I won't yell at them but like you, correct them accordingly! And honestly I feel the same way you do.
I don't want to go to church because ours go too big, it's a great church, but I don't like to sit alone and I'm not really big on meeting other single people in my age group right now.
I hope someone will remember you in a better light when you've helped them with their family. I know if I had children, I'd be happy for you to watch them or take them out. I'd know they were in very safe hands!
((hugs)) I hear ya on this one. The last 4 years I have just become so different, because I became weary and tired. I too had people that I poured my heart into, my life into and they don't remember anything but what offended them.
I personally love the forward attitude, and you have done it with a tender heart, well done, well said.
I don't want to go to church much either right now, for very similar reasons. My hurt runs deep. I still believe in God but the relationship had been shaken... and I about walked away from Him completely until I realized it was not HIM that was hurting me, it was people who claim to know Him.
What Im learning at the moment is to extend grace to those who simply don't understand and want to judge.
This post is well said. Ty for your honesty, it is appreciated.
Kizmet
i suspect you're like my grandma used to be, essentially a hard ass with steadfast rules that shall not be broken. you would be surprised how many of those lids hold you in high esteem now. the parents???? probably not so much. it does sound like you have a church community that cares about you:]
I don't wanna sound mean, but just out of love for your husband, try going to Church for a few months. If you are no less happy, but he is more happy then it was a success. When I am tired Church gives me something I can't quite explain that helps me to go on -- God fed them on manna, Jesus feeds us with His very Self... out of Love for us.
@WakeUpLaughing - Your comment reminds me of the line, "Going to church doesn't make you a good Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you an automobile."
Beth, many of us are pretty pathetic when confronted by the truth. As Jack Nicholson said in "A Few Good Men", "You can't handle the truth!". You of course being all of us in general to some degree or another.
Here's a truth for you. You are awesome!
It sounds like you were doing the right thing, and God loves you whether you attend services or not. Your faith and relationship with Him is more important than how much time you spend in a church building.
Maybe it's time to "church shop"
May the one who has never been tired throw the first stone.
Love
Michel
@Bricker59 - agree
@Aloysius_son - well said
Churchian is not necessary perceived to be a 'true' Christian and vice versa.
Beth, I know that tiredness you are feeling. May the Lord flood you with His grace and fill you with His patience and long- suffering and tolerance. I'm praying this prayer for myself too, My Sister. There are, unfortunately, many of us in the congregation staying home on Sunday mornings, loving Jesus, and waiting upon Him. We're not really offended, just tired, weary of weaker brethren, in need of refreshing, and in guidance we can trust is His.
Not sure what to tell you, but we all need a rest and a break from some things in life.
I completely understand every single word of this post. 100%
I feel you, Beth. I know you do not attend church as regularly as those who are judging you, but I believe you have remained faithful. Just attending church regularly does not always make for a loyal and faithful believer. People can learn from you as an example--you do good things for others because you feel it is the right thing to do. Didn't these people learn anything in church? They have no right to judge you! "Funny" how people only remember the 1 bad thing but not the 20 good things. Keep up your good work!
well, I understand. I go to a small church prayer group. We are all denominations and we meet tuesday at 6pm and friday at 8pm and saturday at 12noon. I go to the tuesday and I open the church meeting room on sat at noon.
tuesday we have about 15 women sometimes a man or two.
saturday we have about 6 people. It's small and fun and I have to remember I just open the door and I don't run it and I have to careful about that.
We rent the room in the little building behind the church downtown for $100 a month and we are not affiliated with the church but it is Anglician.
It is a pain in the butt to help people and God did it that way so we could never get addicted to it. I am not the kind to seat and talk on the phone and listen to someone's problems and everyone in the group knows it but if you are in trouble and need my help I will Johnny on the Spot but don't bore me.
well, I better let you go and just wanted you to know that their might be a group out there for you or you can start one yourself and just realize two things "there is a God and you are not him." that is our motto.
Sometimes you gotta look past people and realize that you need to be fed the Word. That's a pastor's job, to feed his sheep. You can starve if you are off by yourself.
I understand, Beth. I feel much the same way.
(hugs)
I believe strongly in assembling with other believers - not just for their sake, although God does use us in His ministry for the weak as well as the strong. I was recently chosen to be an elder, and though my wife has passed away, I think it is important that you show hubby your support by going with him. If your feelings are still hurt so that you can't feel comfortable I understand. In your case I don't think people attribute your absence to a feeling of being "better" than they, but some I'm sure, do miss your fellowship on Sunday - and your affirmation of them in doing so.
That's a pain, and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through with your church, and this one family in particular. It certainly does take a village to raise a child and parents certainly need to remember that. The children that grow up in a loving, supportive, and correcting community are less likely to rebel. What you did was good.
Can I please try to encourage you to go back? I understand that you are tired. However, that community that you are a part of, in all of its flaws, is designed by God to give him glory. You aren't sinning by not going to church. However, in skipping out, you could be doing the body of Christ, and even yourself a disservice. These things take time though. I hope you can find peace in it.
I'm so sorry you were treated that way.
The church needs more people like you! Christianity doesn't begin or end with church attendance......
The world could use a lot more people like you. I think God is up there nodding his head in approval of your actions and good deeds.
this reminds me of my mother's experience with a church when i was a kid. she went to a Presbyterian church that was more on the conservative side. i would get in trouble for showing up in anything but a dress or skirt. their lessons were also very dumbed down. i remember quoting the Bible better than my instructors.
we left after a while.
It's always sad to hear these kind of stories.
You will never have the kind of reciprocity from all the good that you do. People who receive your kindness and generosity, just put it behind their backs, and never think of reciprocating the love and kindness. Your heart is like the ocean I think. You are so generous and giving and kind. God of all ages and all prophets, knows this. He has blessed you and we are blessed with your presence here.
You are the gift of God to this earth Beth. Love and hugs.
Hey I am just passing by and happened to read your blog.
Just want to say thank you for everything you have done for the body and fresh of the Jesus Christ. You are probably too exhausted to doing kindness to the people who don't know how to appreciate. I believe that God waits when you rest. That is not necessary to hurry in His time
With my genuine blessing!Priscilla
I hope that an encouragement can be in taking a break. I know that when people ask, and you just say "I needed a break" that many will probably understand. Sometimes I have needed to get away too, and then can come back later. Good luck
Randy took the words right out of my mouth. Personally, I think you need to try a Lutheran church.....of course, ancientscribe would disagree.....
Wishing you and your husband the best here, Beth. My wife and I are not attending now, but hope to by the end of the year. I just needed a temporary break.
I think good deeds are presumed, but if you do something someone does not like, that is the thing they remember.
I am sorry for your frustration. Church attendance can be frustrating if you don't want to play church.
frank
I haven't gone to church in a long time now, I find many ways to commune with God, and strengthen my faith outside of the church. Sometimes, I do want to go back, and I know that in time I will, but for now I am happy with my life. If you are happy with your life, and if you feel like your faith in God is just as strong as it always was, then I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty for not going. That is your personal choice, and only you will know what is right for you and what will put you at peace. From what I've read here and from all these people who obviously love and care about you, I know that you are a kind and generous person. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for anything you do. And I certainly know that I would trust you to watch my son and my soon to be second child without a second thought. When children are doing something wrong, and their parents have placed them in your care, then it is only right to correct them and let them understand why their behavior was corrected. I would much rather you correct my child than let him continue to do wrong and think that it is ok. Any parent should understand that, and I feel sorry for a generation of kids that are growing up without any direction and guidance in their life. You did the right thing, and you stood behind your choices, and that is admirable.
We do expect more for hose we go to church with. But they are the same as everyone else. Very flawed
You sound every bit the practicing and devoted Christian. I don't see what the problem is.
Hugs Beth : )
I'm sorry to hear that people are not remembering the good that you do, Beth. I am going through a similar period with my family -- it hurts a lot that my sister couldn't care less about my life and takes advantage of my friends. Unfortunately it's hard to just walk away from either friends or family. (((((hugs)))))
tell them the Bible says "where 2 0r 3 are gatered together in my name there I am also...... church s whaere you and your friends are anytime you speak of him.... and I'd worry about what he says more then them.
Could not have said this better myself.
You have a lot of comments to this and may not get to mine but I recently quit attending church too. I am struggling to find ways to serve and praise our Lord now. I have made halfhearted attempts to ask people to come over for bible study in my back yard without success. I don't miss the people and since not a single one of them called me after I quit attending, I guess they don't miss me. I am one of those EGR type people I suppose, and wonder if they all breathed a sigh of relief when I stopped showing up. I have tried attending other churches but always feel uncomfortable and like I don't quite fit in.
I miss Jesus, I am going to find a way to get closer to Him again somehow....
@ThreeSilkStockings - I understand how you feel, I miss Jesus too sometimes!
I have often felt as you do my husband has reminded me several times that we do not go to church to feel good or bad about other people as to how they might treat us, we go because we Love Him who Loves all of us. Hard as it was and still is at times. I know the worship of my Savior means more to me then my own feelings. You might say I can do that in my what ever but to me it is not the same. The WORD is powerful His Church is a picture of Himself being joined together in the wonderful power of LOVE. some of us are still very slow and immature about the truth of God's Word I have to remind myself that I too am slow and immature in many areas of my life. I am sin from head to toe no doubt about it. I am the one who continues to scorn Him and He is the one who continues to show no guile. I too speak my mind I am just praying as I write this that you are not offended with me.
Blessings Dear Friend, I will pray for you (not to go to church but to be refreshed in His love for you)
The offended are so because they are"" "being held Accountable""" they don't like that.
This is a sad reality these days. I'm in a similar situation with my next door neighbor. I thought we had a mutual agreement that if our kids were out of line, to correct them. I guess that only applied if it was her correcting MY kids. Not the other way around. You can be a good christian and do christian things without going to church. My uncle left his church a few years ago (he was a deacon) because of the hypocrisy and now spends his Sunday mornings feeding the homeless. Do what your heart tells you. *hugs*
I too have recently felt some of what you're describing. It's not a loss of faith, in either life or religion. It's not an abandoning of standards, or belief in being positive and generous rather than negative and mean. It's just plain wearyness. So I think it's a good time to throw in my two-pennyworth here and thank you again for the help you'vegenerously given me in the past.
I left church for 15 years because of the people. When I came back, I made a promise to myself and God that people would never keep me away again. I wasn't going to let them get between me and God. Yeah, I really feel God wants us to worship as a group. So, it's a hard promise to keep, but I'm pretty stubborn. When it gets hard and as a teacher in our church school, believe me, I've offended a LOT of parents, I remind myself of the promise, hold my husband's hand and focus on the love from him, the ones who care, and God. It's held me steady for over around 35 years now. It gets easier. You are a precious person, and there are those who love you and need your unique perspective. If I were there, I'd miss you!!
I'm tired, too. Just can't handle the *drama queens* and attention-seeking behavior of some church members. God and I get along just fine without all of that. Prayer and meditation times are part of my life, so God and I walk and talk together daily. I meet with a prayer circle twice a week and talk to the ladies, but that's the extent of my fellowshipping. Church "ain't all it is cracked up to be."
Your love is better spent in your family, where it's appreciated. {{{{{Hugs}}}}} ~ Sil
@Gr8Grace - I went today, this was helpful, thank you!
You and I are very, very similar in terms of how we speak our minds. I also have trouble with people overlooking the thousand nice things I do for them and focusing only on the fact that I hurt their feelings simply by being honest. For me though this was never a church thing, it was just a people in general thing. When I was still a Christian I stopped going to church years before I became Agnostic, for these reasons as well as others. I never felt that church was what God wanted out of us anyway, at least not what it's become today. It's more a an elite club than a hospital for hearts.
Sorry to hear about your bad church experience. I go to stay connected and learn about applying the Bible to every day life. The one church I found that was close to us changed their service from Sat. night to Sun. morning so now I have no church as I work every weekend. There is one the next town over that has Sun. evening every 2nd and 4th Sun so I am going to check them out in Sept. I will be going by myself the weekends Larry has to work 2nd shift though.
Maybe you can try going once a month just so your hubby doesn't have to keep going alone.
It's also important to remember that all you did to help out is not forgotten.
That makes me sad, Beth. You are a true follower of Jesus. Unfortunately, people by nature are cruel and ungrateful. Don't let that discourage you from being kind.
I am of the mind that G-d and the Devil have made a gentleman's pact and decided to work in hidden ways. The very miracles that makes you thrilled about G-d is counter balanced by the hate that the devil makes in people.
Pay no attention to the ungrateful brainwashed by the devil people. Pray for their very souls because those that hurt the righteous people of the Lord will earn their pay "later".
Be less concern about experiences put out by brainwashed by the devil people and more concern about mistakes in choices you made that displease G-d.
I know that you have faced serious trials in life, instead of too much jubilations over the wins in life, keep the eye on the main goal and make a new promise for yourself not to be let down. Know that G-d will stand by you and never tempt you beyond that which you are capable of.