September 1, 2011

• Why I am This Way

  Lasting Effects of Dysfunction from growing up.
  I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one who dealt with issues like this.
  Hopefully those of you who lived like this will know that you are not alone.
  

      My Dad had issues, quite a few.
  In this day and age he would be on medicine and might have been able to function better.
  He tried.
  He worked hard and always gave my mom his paycheck.
  He was bipolar with a stress disorder, he could not process stress.
  
  One thing I remember fondly was that he would take us kids with him to the gas station
  on a Saturday  morn to get the gas tank filled and the oil checked.
  He would sit us on the wall outside,
  go in and get us each a treat and a soda of our choice.
  (I always got a Slim Jim and a Green Spot Orange Drink in a bottle)
   he would visit with the men for a while then load us up and haul us home.

  In the summer we were always barefoot, he kept flip-flops in the car for us
  so we did not have to run and look for shoes when he would take us away.

  Another thing he never failed to do was to polish our shoes every Saturday night.
  On Sunday morn all five pairs would be lined up in order on the stairs.
  On the way to church (he dropped us off and returned for us) he always stopped
  and got everyone a pack of Lifesavers for church,
  I got Fancy Fruit, I still love those flavors!
  (Pear, Pink Grapefruit, Blackberry and Apple)

  He was funny with great wit, he had beautiful penmanship and was especially smart.
  When he was in a good mood he lit up my mom's eyes.

  One never knew what to expect, it changed in a flash and without warning.
  He would be OK and then fly into a rage (the rages lasted from minutes to hours)
  or be in a rage and all of a sudden he was laughing and it had passed.
  One thing was for certain, he would make several cycles before the day was over.
  This was his "normal" behavior, he did not drink often so we can't blame it on that.

  The effect of his issues and behavior are still unraveling in my life.
  Some times I feel stress or anger in a situation and I have to step back, take it apart
  and see where it is coming from.

  For Example: It really aggravates me to lose something,
  I have to look for it until;
  A. I find it, or
  B. I Come to my senses and decide to let it go

  There is an insane period between looking for it and coming to my senses.
  There is more to this than just having the OCD thing about losing stuff

  My dad would  become vile when he lost something.
  He would wake up all five kids up at 2 AM to find a misplaced cigarette lighter,
  even though he had fifty others, he wanted that specific one.

  I became very good at finding things because the longer it went the more vile he became
  I was so afraid he would hurt my mom and it became a matter of life and death to me.

  So when I lose something there is so much more to it than a lost item,
  I need to separate all the past baggage from the here and now,
  I keep a small pair of scissors on my sewing machine and hate when they are not there.
  I have to tell myself
  "I do not NEED to use  those scissors right now, other ones will work."
  I can look for them later when I am not feeling pressure.

  Getting lost is another one that came to surface on the recent road trip.
  I always, ALWAYS know where I am!

  When my dad was driving and got lost he became very agitated to the point of violence.
  Several times he stopped the car and made us get out in the middle of nowhere.
  My bewildered mom had to march us to the nearest house
  to use the phone to call someone to come fetch us or we would just walk home.

  I remember panicking thinking "What if we never get home?"
  I was about five.
  From then on I looked and watched I always knew where I was.
  When my dad missed a turn I would tell him and he could not believe I knew the way.
  When I learned how to drive I never had to ask for direction
  how to get somewhere unless I had never been in the area before.
  If I had been there I knew how to get there.

  On the highway with @Saintvi when we weren't sure which way to go, I felt that panic,
  I did not know what it was but it was in my throat and I was beginning to stress,
  I know I spoke too sharply to Vi.
  I called it in myself and said I would address that issue 
  the next time I saw my counselor and I did.

  It is part of my Hypervigilance which is
  a condition where the sufferer is often in an alert state of mind for no rational reason.
  In other words, mind and body are constantly in an over exaggerated
  fight or flight response, even when there is no real threat.

  The other thing I always do when I am in a public place
  is that I scope out a safe place to hide in case I would need to.
  If I do not see one I do not stray too far from the door.
  We were in Philly at the Ben Franklin House and I scanned the room and found a place,
  then I could relax and look around
  but when we went to another floor I had to  look for another place,
  I caught myself doing this and realized that I have always done this .
  When I was young I had several safe places that I could slip into easily
  and it saved me from wrath and harm quite a few times.

  I am not in the same situation I was in back then
  but some of the tools I developed for survival are still being used.
  As I figure out which tools I still use but do not need anymore I need to lay them down.

  I am not bitter about the past,
  I  mainly work through it to try to be a better person now.
  I have been  told  to just get over it or that I dwell on it too much
  but when I still see effects of it in how I function
  I feel like I need to reassess things and clean out certain areas,
  trim away the dead branches and prune to allow new growth.

  • 9:38 pm
  • 53 Comments